Lessons I learned from the mistakes
I made in becoming a LEADER

I didn't know I was limiting myself to leadership roles, not realizing I told myself "I can't". I would "get the job done" but shy away from telling others of what I had done. I myself did not see that I had accomplished so much. 

. . .

Even when my boss recognized my self-sabotaging behaviour and offered me a leadership position, I turned it down.

In this blog, I outline my many limiting thoughts and couple them with my experiences. This is the result of what I’ve learned in my journey on becoming a leader.

Let’s continue.

Why did I turn down a leadership position handed to me on a silver platter? Was my self-esteem so damaged I didn’t think enough of myself? Perhaps. The following only showed up months later, after being accepted in a private mentorship program:

How was I to confront others, if I can’t even face my own shadow?

I couldn’t see it then, but I was paralyzingly fearful of conflict. When emotions are involved, I would either:

• Shut down

• Shut up

• Fly off the handle about something totally unrelated to the first person I met

There was no in between, no counting to 10, just anxious emotions flooding my every thought. Ruminating over and over again, all the times I ever panicked about speaking to a large audience, my family or a group of men. I have many clever one-liners, weeks after the event occurred, that never saw the light of day. What’s worse, every time I visit that event, my body becomes flooded with all the same emotions again, slicing a knife through my organs every time (followed by some very negative self-talk that I refuse to repeat).

I would later hit a golf ball, envisioning a particular face, getting these feelings of fear and doubt out of my body. Later, while trying to forget the whole thing ever happened, binge watching Netflix while getting shit-faced. Pass the popcorn, please.

These are all the reasons why I can’t. Here are more.

Incredibly, I could find many, many, many reasons why I shouldn’t, can’t, and won’t lead; justifications galore. The more data points I could find, the better I felt about my decision to not lead.

…take another jab at my self-esteem while I’m in the neighbourhood.

Slice. Slice. Jab.

This exercise only cost me my health, no big deal.

I’m obviously not worthy of accomplishing simple tasks, how can I be a leader?

Here lies the crux of the situation. I didn’t feel I was worthy. Where else was this sentiment showing up? To what else was I limiting myself? More importantly, how do I rise?

If this is as difficult to read as it was for me to write, there is a way forward. I took a class where they dissected a woman’s beliefs around leadership. They asked simple questions like “is what you believe fact or fiction?” — “perception or story?”. It was then that I had a significant breakthrough, shaping the rest of my journey.

It was me holding myself back.

It turns out, I can be a leader if I can only change my perspective about who is a leader, and include myself in this picture. In fact, belief in myself is all it takes.

That’s why my mentor has genuinely changed my perspective of me. I’ve been dealing with one limiting belief after the next, rubbing up against all my self-imposed limitations (unworthiness, lack of boundaries, problems with accountability, people-pleasing, over emphasizing other peoples’ opinions and not seeing things through to completion or quitting while I was ahead).

Through this program, I’ve recognized mine and my husbands’ profound need to feel financially safe. Martin was homeless for a portion of his life — he never talks about it, but if our bank account falls below a certain threshold, he begins to panic. I can never know what it feels like to have your home taken from you, coupled with your identity as the breadwinner obliterated (he started falling at work, and has since not returned).

Hedging my income, on top of being insured to the gills, is why I also have another stream of income, once again facilitated by my mentor. This gives us the financial security we crave, and a feeling of control of our futures, without depending so heavily on one employer-powered income that can be taken away at any time.

The class recommended reading this book. I in turn do the same: